Friday
May 20, 2011
May 20, 2011
Saturday Magazine
By BILLY MUIRURI
Posted Friday, May 20 2011 at 14:48
Posted Friday, May 20 2011 at 14:48
Most men harbour a sense of entitlement to sex, thereby putting women off, a psychotherapist says.
“Even when a woman is married to you, approaching her with a sense of ownership makes her feel cheap,” says John Gacheru.
The counselor says the point of departure between men and women is the way they ascribe to different meanings of sex.
“Men take sex as an end in itself, but women see it as a means to another greater end,” he says.
He adds, “A man’s end is pleasure while the woman’s greater end is intimacy; the closeness that accompanies sex. That is why quantity matters more to a man and quality to a woman.”
A man in his 20’s seeks sexual escapades are geared toward conquering women. “He has no inclination to be inventive or meticulous since he feels he has nothing to prove,” says Gacheru, who works for Amani Counseling Centre andTraining Institute.
This changes as a man approaches his mid 30s when performance is tied to his self-esteem.
For men in the mid 40s, sex proves very little about his personality because money becomes a suitable substitute.
At a sub subconscious level, he knows his winning ticket is pegged on his wallet more than on his exploits, he explains.
Couples, he counsels, should differentiate between sex and lovemaking.
“Men prefer sex while females root for lovemaking. Sex involves mere gratification and can be anywhere, anytime and with anyone. Lovemaking, on the other hand, is choosy, intimate and not necessarily penetrative,” Gacheru espouses.
In his work, Gacheru reveals that women complain of a sense of disconnect because they feel sex is not just an act but a sacred communion.
Most women do not understand how a man can sleep around with other women and still want to sleep with her.
“That is why infidelity is the main breaker of marriages. For her, the act is not just betrayal but an indictment that he has found someone better than her. It injures her self-esteem and worth,” he explains.
Men, on the other hand, complain that their wives hardly ever initiate sex. Gacheru says the male feels he is pursuing a non-responsive woman and wants her to at least show interest and enthusiasm. Men also complain that their wives tie sex to “other things” .
That they use it to bargain for other things a d that is why they oppose any conditionality. On their part, women rate lack of fore play as men’s greatest weakness.
“Men are visual (turned on by what they see) while women are audio (turned on by what they hear), and that’s why spouses must seek a balancing act,” he advises.
bmuiruri@ke.nationmedia.com
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